All signs point to James being right. Davey is not Heathcliff. He is moron. Rachel Riley is taking control of her life and seizing the day! Can she be open-minded (and open-mouthed) and stay focused on her goal? Find out in this fantastic double edition featuring Back to Life and The Facts of Life. The stakes are getting higher — now it's double or quits time for Rachel! As predicted, James has been sent to his room to a) change and b) reflect on use of the word ho when referring to Mum, or indeed any woman.

Making plan with Scarlet to deal with post-break-up trauma. We are going to channel anger into something positive and have new mission statement: 1. Not to moon about over exes but to embrace single life. 2. To stay away from all men (Sad Ed excepted as he is not actual man. He tried to disagree on this but was outnumbered). 3. To remain true to our friends, forsaking all others. 4. To remember that we alone are responsible for our own happiness. Scarlet is right. Life will be so much easier without the complications of love. It will be utter Simple Life and am completely committed. Am starting tomorrow.

I need more tragedy in my life. Why is life never like it is in books? Nothing Jacqueline Wilson ever happens to me: I am not adopted, my mum is not tattooed, I am not likely to move to the middle of a council estate or be put into care. My parents are not alcoholics, drug addicts or closet transvestites. Even my name is pants. In other words, my life is earth-shatteringly NORMAL. This cannot go on. Something deep and life-changing has to happen. This year I shall befriend more exotic and interesting people, learn to drink coffee (tragic heroines do not start the day with Cheerios and lemon barley) and capture the heart of Justin Statham with my vintage clothing and knowledge of all-time great guitar solos. It's time for my so-called life to be brought up to speed. Starting NOW! So begins the tragically normal diary of Rachel Riley. Follow her highs and lows, friendships and relationships... and meet her completely bonkers family, in this fabulous double edition of her first two diaries, My So-Called Life and The Life of Riley.

My quest to find THE ONE starts right now! This year I will utterly not snog random posh boys with congenital acne but will save myself for long-haired creative type with interest in tragicness and with musical potential i.e. Justin Statham. Though am not sure Justin has realized yet that I am THE ONE for him. Maybe he has heard I am rubbish at snogging. I need to learn to snog properly — and fast. Though perhaps I am just generally unlovable. As well as tongue technique issues I have hopelessly untragic relatives and a dog who eats furniture. Plus I am practically a medical midget and my hair is mental. Maybe I should just give up on boys altogether...

Rachel Riley is the offspring of a depressingly unbroken home. Her mum and dad refuse to let her have a mobile phone, and have banned Ribena (too purple) and Eastenders (too common); her seven-year-old brother buys giant Des Lynam cut-outs and Will Young dolls from ebay and talks in Elvish; and the adopted dog eats her Pride and Prejudice boxed collection. It is time to change things. Rachel resolves that this year she will become tragic, literary and interesting — and will win the heart of Justin, the lead guitarist from Certain Death, along the way. Laugh-out-loud funny from beginning to end, this is a fresh new voice which will speak directly to teenagers everywhere. If Bridget Jones had kept a diary when she was a teenager, it is unlikely to have been this funny!